Bad Habits

Bad habits are killing the joy inside of me. I always want to blame others for how they made me feel, but I know I am at fault for putting myself back into situations that have already hurt me. I try to play it off like I never get hurt. I try to make it seem like the world doesn't affect me, but I'm not sure how much more I can take.

I been feeling so alone, and to cope with that, I end up going back to relationships that have already hurt me. It's like I expect a new ending when the person, along with myself, have not changed yet. I want so badly to just focus on myself, but I keep getting caught in other peoples web.

I let people hurt me. I let people hurt me, and they do so like it's the easiest thing. I go miles away from my goals to ensure that I don't hurt anyone who is in my way, but it seems that everyone else would rather just run me right over.

Some people just aren't meant for me. It's a lesson that I need to learn, and I'm going to keep getting hurt until I finally learn that. I really hope I can start looking out for myself, instead of looking out for everyone else.

I'm trying to not to hold my feelings in, but I don't think crying myself to sleep actually counts as not holding things in, but I don't even have much to say. At the end of the day, my feelings hurt and that is all there is to it. I get that the world doesn't need to cater to my emotions, but I didn't think I'd have to spend my whole life getting the short end of the stick.

My problems of course are small compared to other peoples, but then again that's my issue isn't it. Why when I am just a hop skip and a jump away from the worst mental breakdown, am I even concerned with other peoples problems. I literally can't just worry about myself. I'm causing myself all of my issues. How do I stop? I don't want to be a person who doesn't care. That doesn't feel like me, but it also feels like if I don't stop I'll just keep getting hurt.

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I mean there is the possibility that I have once again surrounded myself with people who just kind of suck. I do think that is a likely option. Then again, I'm latched on too tight. I know these people are having a very negative effect on my mental health, and yet, I still hold on. I don't know what the deep down reason for that is. Maybe there is no reason at all. Either way, I have to learn to let go.

It feels like I'm standing still and just letting everyone hit me instead of stepping out of the way. I want to change. I don't want to keep getting hurt by those I thought were my friends. I have to strive for something better, even if that means I have to walk alone for awhile. I need to take time to get to know myself again. What type of people should I surround myself with. How much disrespect I am willing to allow in my relationships.

I think the hardest part is accepting to myself that I don't deserve the short end of the stick. If I do that then I can finally end the cycle of constant pain.

- Sapphire