The power of words is lost on so many.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.”

Aesop

I suppose people who appreciate all that the Vocal platform has to offer, most definitely appreciate words and recognise their power - we wouldn’t be here otherwise.

Chances are, most , if not all of you have experienced first-hand the impact of the written word in your lives. For me personally, it was books that kept me relatively sane in my childhood - words on paper were my allies when the words spoken by people in my life were creating deep wounds in my psyche, a legacy I am still working on undoing.

Verbal abuse from the person who is supposed to be your safe harbour and your biggest cheerleader is a massive betrayal and a shock no child should endure. In an ideal world, anyway. Unfortunately, this planet has a lot of wounded people who, instead of healing, choose to become parents and pass their pain further. “Choose” is a strong word, of course - until recently most people have done it on autopilot due to societal pressures and expectations , but that is a story for another day.

Going back to the role books have played in my early years - they also kept me company when I was neglected and felt lonely ; ultimately they were my safe place in an otherwise unpredictable and chaotic world.

This all took place before the likes of the Internet and smartphones were introduced to the masses , so in that sense I was lucky. Despite missing out on some pretty basic developmental needs that can only be met by an attuned, emotionally healthy caretaker, my escapism strategy of being a bookworm was helping me to develop in other ways.

Evidently , words can both damage and heal, serve as medicine or poison, depending on who delivers them. Words also carry much more than just information - they carry an energy signature (unless spoken/written by AI of course).

And whether one is inclined towards the religious view of the world ( “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God” (John 1:1), or is more drawn to the esoteric interpretation of reality , which by default acknowledges the existence of magic and its spells as real, it becomes clear that words were never meant to be ‘just words’, and the fact that so many people currently believe otherwise signals the degree of disconnection from our true nature. Unfortunately, we still live in a society that, for the most part, only acknowledges the material substance as real while disregarding the subtle energy.

I most certainly don’t need to argue my point further - this community gets it. What we say and how we say it matters.

But the world at large has a very mixed bag of value systems, and the dominant ones are oftentimes a far cry from those trending on this platform.

Take politicians, for example - those whom people elect as their ‘leaders’. It is literally accepted as a norm by now that their words and actions don’t align a lot, if not most of the time, and that the whole point of their words is simply to win the campaign and get to power. I say ‘norm’ because no one is even surprised when their promises fail to manifest, so the bar is low to begin with. Does anyone ever keep them accountable? I am not massively interested in politics, so I genuinely don’t know the answer to this question, although it is a rhetorical one anyway.

However, the political game illustrates the point perfectly, as the rest of the world watches those “in charge” and takes notes, so the lack of accountability for one’s words is already modelled at that level.

A ‘man of his word’ is a rare breed in modern society generally speaking, but amongst the so called ‘leaders’ it appears to be almost extinct.

However, I am mainly interested in the more intimate and personal level of human relationships - one on one , as opposed to between the groups of people. To me, that is the most meaningful , as well as the most vulnerable kind, and with a potential for deep pain when things going sour. But also immense joy if navigated wisely.

And what we say to one another in those interactions matters a great deal.

There is a very well-known expression stating that ‘actions speak louder than words’, and while it is true, and remembering this truth helps us to avoid trusting blindly or living in an illusion about someone’s character, it is also a signal at how far out of integrity things have fallen, if for the most part words are not even taken seriously, and there is a good chance they can be used to manipulate, control and deceive. Or simply be spoken impulsively in the moment without the self-awareness or embodied intention to follow them up with action.

I saw a quote some time ago that took it up a notch and stated "I don't trust words, I even question actions, but I never doubt patterns.”

Again - it is true; patterns of behaviour repeated over time give the most accurate picture. And yet this too is a painful reminder that words are misused on a large scale, and that far too many people do not treat them as something sacred.

Of course, one might say that words are merely a tool, and therefore neutral, and it all depends on who is using them and why; their level of consciousness, their values and intentions. Again, very true - and yet I can’t help but think that as long as people are not taught to value words and treat them with the respect and awareness they deserve, as opposed to something that just comes out of their mouths, it is unlikely that things will change. Maybe this understanding comes organically as a result of one’s growth and individuation, maybe some of us learn this lesson early on because we were scarred by those who let their shadows spill out unfiltered through their words, maybe it is due to cultural differences and all kinds of other factors.

I suppose there are two distinct but interconnected dysfunctional patterns emerging here. The first is treating words casually and promising more than delivering. The second is using words as a weapon against other people, not realising the degree of potential damage , especially in a society that has long repeated the phrase “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”, ignoring the very real impact of verbal abuse on people’s mental health until qui recently.

Having said that, I don’t believe in always being ‘nice’ and only speaking sweet words, even when we are being disrespected - sometimes the sharp sword of truth is very much needed when it comes to boundaries and speaking up about things that are important to us.

Things left unsaid because we are afraid of confrontation can be toxic to the body, and this scenario is very much the other extreme of the unhealthy relationship with one’s voice. However, words still need to be used wisely and not in a volatile fashion, as they so often are, especially when emotions connected to one’s truth have been suppressed for a long time.

I like the idea that ‘nice’ and ‘kind’ are two very different concepts, with the former often being linked to a betrayal of oneself.

It might be my personal, subjective experience, but I have observed a lot more flaky behaviour in recent years, in this post-pandemic world we have found ourselves in. ( I have also observed more emotionally and verbally volatile behaviour, but I have become fairly good at removing myself from those situations.)

This brings me to a valid point that people’s poor mental health can also be a significant factor in the inconsistencies displayed. And while I have a lot of empathy for this reality, I also believe that communication goes a long way, and being transparent about one’s struggles can sometimes be all that is needed to make things right relationally speaking. Of course, in real life people have all sorts of blockages when it comes to admitting they are not ok, but that is a material for another story.

There is a well known book in self-development circles titled “The four agreements”, written by Don Miguel Ruiz, and the agreement to be impeccable with one’s word is very much what this article is about:

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word to offer love, never use it to cause fear or pain in another (or yourself).

However, there is another agreement in this bestselling book that urges us not to take anything personally:

DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

Nothing others do is because of you.

What others say and do is a result of their own dream or perception of their rules. We all make rules about how things should be, but when you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

This is clearly where I fall short, most likely due to childhood trauma, at least that’s what the developmental psychology seems to imply. And in particular, I struggle not to take it personally when someone’s words don’t match their actions - I suppose due to this pattern being a painful reminder of the abandonment and betrayal I experienced early on.

But I do wonder, is it really exclusively due to my heightened sensitivity to a certain trigger that these things get under my skin? Or is it objectively hurtful for anyone who values truth and authenticity to be faced with what can be described as a lack of integrity and consistency in their dealings with other people?

After all, more than one thing can be true at the same time.

And is it realistic not to take anything personally? Even in a hypothetical reality, a utopia of sorts, where everyone is fully healed, or perhaps never injured to begin with. Surely some things are personal? Human beings are wired for connection (when they are healthy), and it is only natural to experience discomfort when chronic disconnect occurs.

By never taking anything personally, and as a result not speaking up and not holding people accountable, aren’t we enabling the dysfunction to continue?

So many unanswered questions, and I am sharing this article with the hope that it will start a discussion amongst those who, I suspect, can relate to what I have written.