The Silence Of Growth: Nearly 30 And No Friends

When we are young we meet people who we call friends. We carry these “friends” into our teen years and then into adulthood. Throughout our 20s we try and keep that circle close, or at least I did. I was someone who thrived on having loads of company and loved sharing everything about my life with everyone. In many ways, I was a total show-off! But now at 29, standing on the doorstep of being 30, I barely have any friends left, and for the first time ever, this is entirely by choice.

As the noise from my 20s has faded, I have realised the hard truth of how some friends are there for the party, and not for the clean-up. This isn't even just about “friends”. This includes family as well. That whole saying of “Blood is thicker than water” is a total cop-out for people that feel entitled to be forgiven for their crappy behaviour just because you share DNA.

Being a mum to four children comes with a busy life. It also means I have no time or energy left any more for fake relationships. My days are filled with the beautiful chaos of raising a family and running a busy household. Building my career in writing has also started taking a lot more of my free time. My “Social Battery” has a very small limit.

For so many years, I used to ignore all the red flags. I'd make excuses for friends who would only reach out when they wanted information or gossip about my life. But motherhood and maturity gave me a whole new look on my life. Unfortunately, that has only become something I've put into action over the past couple of years.

I put up with these situation for way longer than i should have. But eventually I did hit that limit. I felt no need for a big conversation or a dramatic showdown. I simply removed myself, I stopped the small talk and entertaining a friendship that didn't value me. I let the contact fade and simply continued with my life.

I always noticed those friends who would watch every single thing I posted, yet never hit the “like” button. It speaks volumes that you can have someone that you call a “friend” but they will only pop up on your phone when they've seen something you've posted online, and they suddenly want to know more. These people are not asking because they care; they are asking because they are nosy.

They want all the details of your life so they can gossip about it and compare it to their own lives.

They look down on your progress and success to cover up their own misery. In my own experience, these so-called “friends” that behave this way have not had much in their own lives to show. I often wonder if this is what has made them act this way towards me. Because of their own failures in not reaching their goals, they project their feelings onto other people, which becomes toxic. I never believed my mum when I was younger. She'd say people are like that because they're “Just jealous.” I assumed this was what all my Mums said, and I never took her words seriously. Now I believe those words more than ever.

In my early to mid 20s, I was always the “show-off.” I was always the loudest and the centre of attention. When you stop being that “Show off” and start being the woman who is building their life with a family and following their goals and dreams, those people tend to fall away from you. I was no longer their entertainment, I was the person who had “changed”. They saw it as change; I see it as growth.

The view of my growth is seen as a negative 'change.' It's usually because they lack the capacity to grow themselves. They wanted the old version of me because that version didn't make them feel so far behind."

Recently, I made a major change; I stopped sharing my life online the way I used to. (I made a whole post on this). I no longer felt the need to prove myself to everyone else. For the first time ever, I had true love, happiness and peace. The ones who would sit there and read all my posts were not my friends, they were never rooting for me. Cutting my life from that toxic environment and closing the chapter of being the “show off” is the most freeing thing I have ever done.

My “Circle” now only consists of the people living within my own four walls. I never needed those friendships to get through life. I'm now almost 30, and I don't need to have loads of friends. I need to now protect my peace and continue with personal growth.

My advice to anyone: You don't need a ton of friends to be happy. Most of the time, these friends aren't your cheerleaders. A big crowd around you isn't necessary for happiness. You will learn in time who is really a good person to be around, a positive person that pushes you to achieve your goals, someone who applauds your success. A toxic person draining your energy will always somehow stop you from pushing towards what you want. They will slowly destroy your mental health.

It isn't always how they treat you either. For me, seeing how people will tear down other friends when they are not in the room and seeing the joy they have in other people's downfalls, Gossiping about what they've posted on their Instagram, it shows a lot about a person's character. I learnt that if someone is willing to be like that to other people, they most definitely tear you down when your back is turned.

Stop ignoring red flags!

You wouldn't ignore them on a first date, so why ignore them on a friend's?