Hernia, insomnia, and a limerent fugue

I have not been able to sleep

Last night I crawled to bed

And lay there

Staring at the

Ceiling

My hernia

Would

Not

Let

Me

Rest

I clasped my palms over my eyes

To block out all light

But I found my inner eye

Gazing

At You

… As always

I swallowed some acetaminophen

—and a splash of gin—

To dull the pain

I lay myself down again

I managed to forget about the

Intestine and fat

Protruding throigh the muscle

Of my groin

—Some small relief—

But my deeper aches were not dulled!

In the darkness they were sharpened:

My one regret…

Protruding through the tissue of my thoughts

I could see

YOU

And

My constant guilt

Wisdom once called me to forsake the world

To make of myself an offering

Abraham had faith enough to offer up Isaac!

He obeyed

I had only to offer myself

But I held back…

I told myself this was

“Faithfulness”

But now I see I was

Faithless

And scared

I was terrified

I’d commit a blasphemy

By placing a wretched thing

(Me)

Upon your altar

You are:

A glory of creation

The archetype of beauty

Proof that God is real

And proof She is an Artist

As comforting a sound

As waves on the moonlit shore

As breathtaking a sight

As sunrise over sacred waters

As refreshing as the breeze

That glides across the living sea

A woman fully alive!

And me?

I am driftwood and knotted kelp

A broken shell,

Sharp under your heel

I am sand and rough debris

You deserve a man with a handsome soul

One who breaths peace and who moves with as much joy and beauty as you

A saint

A healer

A genius in both love and art

When I dream, I imagine he’s me

As if I could ever lay myself at your feet

And belong there!

I want to bow before God’s greatest masterpiece

But could I ever?

No…

Still. I feel this terrible longing

—Sharp as ever—

To bask beneath your smile

I have never been good enough for you

But you were always perfect for me

And when you are old

—Taken by gums and frailty—

You will still be God’s Glory

Perhaps by then I may be great

By then I may finally be good enough

To prostrate myself before your altar

Ah.

The untouchable future!

I will never deserve you, not even at my

Make-believe-best

One day

I will lay dying

I will beg to be carried outside

Gazing upon my very last sky

I will know:

If I shut my eyes now I shall never open them again

But I will close them willingly

All to stop

Staring

At

The ceiling

And in the final dark

I will find myself:

Gazing

At

You

And

Falling

Into

You

My impossible dream,

But the only one I want to see

… As always