The Life I am still in it

I wake up at the same time every morning and I pray,

but I notice that my prayers have become repetitive.

I say the right words.

I address God with respect.

I ask for guidance.

But I also recognize that I am not fully listening for an answer.

I have built a life that looks stable and responsible.

I serve people.

I work in ways that are considered meaningful.

Others see this and assume I am aligned with my purpose.

I am no longer certain that this is true.

I am not questioning God’s existence.

I am questioning my obedience.

There is a difference.

I sense that something in me is being asked to change,

but the instruction is not clear.

There is no direct command.

There is no clear sign.

There is only a persistent feeling that I am continuing out of habit,

not conviction.

I notice this most during quiet moments.

After prayer.

Between tasks.

When there is no one watching me perform or complete anything.

In those moments, I feel a distance.

Not a complete separation from God,

but a lack of closeness that I cannot ignore.

I ask God what I should do.

I do not receive a clear answer.

I remain in the same position.

I understand that faith does not always come with certainty.

I have taught this to others.

I have said that waiting is part of spiritual growth.

Now I am the one waiting,

and I find that I am less patient than I believed.

I continue my daily responsibilities.

I show up.

I speak with confidence when required.

From the outside, my life still appears directed.

But internally, I am aware that I am not fully surrendered.

I am holding on to what I have already built

because it is familiar,

not because I am sure it is where God wants me to remain.

I do not want to act out of fear.

I also do not want to remain out of comfort.

This is the tension I am living in.

I am asking God for clarity,

but I am also aware that clarity may not come

before I take a step forward.

I am not at peace,

but I am not in despair either.

I am in a state of waiting,

trying to remain honest before God,

and trying to recognize His direction

without pretending that I already understand it.