The Sex-Offender's Daughter

Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same

In a room with a small, metal barred window

soft sobs echo beneath a heavy shadow

Silenced, overpowered in the cot in the dark.

Panting, wet, smelly breath, attacks like a shark.

Piercing thrusts again and again

stabbing nauseating waves of pain

vomiting, bleeding and left to cry.

A satisfied smirk, I can’t understand why.

Scared hurt bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

The monster takes me to a huge warehouse

There are strange things everywhere and men I don’t recognize

handcuffs and whips hanging in rows

“Make a sound and you’re dead, hush, no one knows”

A woman’s whining breaks the silence

I stare in shock at the scene of a monster’s tortured violence

She’s naked, tied up, suspended in the air, gyrating and groaning

She stares at me wide eyed but carries on moaning.

Scared hurt bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

Practicing stick against a wall

In front of the school, come watch me, tell all

Teachers on duty turning a blind eye

Little voices question; what’s going on and why?

Psychiatrists wondering what is wrong

What makes a child act this way all year long?

The truth unimaginable for anyone to believe

Too young to explain, I re-play where I’ve been.

Scared hurt bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

Nobody sees the acts of my grief

Frustration tantrums ignored without relief.

Sobbing tears into my teddy each night.

I’m rolled in a ball, hidden away, out of sight.

holding my ears, still hearing their drunken voices

Things are breaking in earth-shattering noises.

I want to run away from this pain

When is he coming for me again?

Scared hurt bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

Grown up professionals force me to lie still

By holding me down on a bed against my will

One iron fist on each leg and each arm

Bellowing whale music must stop me spreading more harm

I try to break free; can’t anyone see?

Day and night I’m faced with vicious debauchery

I play robot until the monster comes

The piercing pain hitting me relentlessly like drums.

Scared hurt bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

A full moon on a summer’s night

Lure all the monsters out to fight

Gathering by the riverside

Drinking and partying until we arrive

Chanting, shouting, screaming

Turning it all into a haunted evening

A young woman tortured, raped and silenced forever

engrained into eight-year-old me, clinging to life by a tether.

Scared hurt bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

Shocking announcement, upheaval in the city.

Her face on the news, she was young and pretty

Where did she go? Who did she see?

No one knows, except for me

When the truth is in a young girl’s head

No one’s listening to what her little voice said.

Police drained the dark river water

A woman found murdered, someone’s beloved daughter.

Scared hurt bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

The voices, the threats, the fear, the filth

Confusing grownup excruciating punishing guilt

Tortured, abandoned, imprisoned, alone

Nobody hears my silent moans.

My school friends don’t get me, that's for sure

Only pain and suffering waiting behind each door

Darkness always comes lurking

when the monsters attack; panting and smirking.

Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

The years go by, somehow, I grow older

We move to a town, here everyone is bolder.

Biology class is about to begin

I study my peers as they come in

I’m struck by a sudden, sharp stab of pain

a lighter burning my loins again.

Laughing peers, I’m ridiculed and abused

Day after day, I’m burned, hit and bruised.

Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same

My locker is spat on and kicked multiple times.

High school life, exposing me to daily despicable crimes.

My possessions invaded and strewn across the dirty floor

Ruined clothes, torn pages, my life bleeding out into the corridor.

We don’t want you here, city scum, you don’t belong!

I must be on my guard, stay strong.

The bullies rally, lurking in doors and stairways

The whole school taking part in my human disgrace.

Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

Ridiculed, kicked and punched

Bruises all over, bleeding from each lunge.

The monster attacking at night

High school bullies carry on their daily fight

No one is listening, no one can see

A river of pain, running inside of me.

How do I escape from this enforced submission?

When does the law give me my life’s permission?

Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same

Processing into a people packed church

My first holy communion, decorated in flowers and silver birch

Gasps and stares at my dripping bloodstained dress

The monster’s miscarriage is out to impress

A reminder of my painful silent distress.

How can I ever live down this mess?

I’ve had enough, I’m broken beyond repair.

Can’t anyone see my utter despair?

Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

Turning eighteen, my life can begin

Far away from pain and evil sin.

For years I have dreamed of being set free

Where do I want my new life to be?

I travel to a distant land

Where nobody knows me and here, I can plan

I see a glimmer of what the future can hold

I have no money, but events to unfold.

Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

Washing, cleaning, ironing and cooking

I’m a slave again and no one is looking.

Studying at night, hard labor by day.

I have every reason to run away.

I persevere and my plans are slowly realized

against all odds from a lifetime of harmful advice

I follow my own heart, I’m young and free

Can life without pain become true at university?

Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

I open door after door

Go out in the world, meet people, explore

Friends come and go; looking to impress

To have money, image and big success

I couldn’t care less about power and embellishments

living free without pain is one of my greatest accomplishments

No one can ever understand my past

I choose each step forward to make sure it lasts.

Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same

Sometimes I stop and listen to my breathing

My beating heart is a wonderful feeling

Hearing the wind blowing the leaves in the trees

the waves cascading in the sea breeze

feeling the sand underneath my feet

seeing the land and the ocean meet

smelling a meadow of wonderful flowers

I feel rich and alive in the sun’s power

The simple joy of someone’s laughter

In our beautiful world for us to look after.

Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same

Longing for someone to share my life

To show me love and to hold me at night

healing my pain and internal strife

to finally feel something true and right.

A dream of one day being at peace

And finally sleep every night with ease.

I’m excited of what my future will bring

I’m lucky to have found such a human being.

Scared, hurt, bruised and in pain

Nothing will ever be the same.

I’m married and loved by another

I have children, I’m a wonderful mother

I have friends, and a new family

I care about everyone that I meet and see

And treasure each day as it happens to be

I’m so lucky to be alive

That I somehow found it within me, to survive.

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My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

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