A Stream of Consciousness on a Thursday afternoon

I am aware of so many things all at once - the noises of the world shifting and changing and the call to adapt and grow what has always been into something unfamiliar and new. It makes my brain hurt. I long for peace, stability and rest, the ability to slow down and drop the hustle and bustle, both out there in the movement of the world and here inside my head. I long to be still and quiet for a moment, to belong to nothing and no one, to sit tenderly with myself until I can feel the undercurrent of truth, beauty, simplicity, and love beneath the distraction and the fear that belongs to us all.

I feel like I've been watching myself, alongside the rest of humanity, swing untethered from task to task, overwhelmed, overstimulated, underdeveloped and numb. Hopes and dreams hum eagerly beneath my chest, along with the desire to feel and cherish what is mine to hold, but the noise and business and the demands of a dying world swallow me, distract me, carve holes in my inherent wholeness, try to convince me my softness isn't worth the fight.

But in this tiny fleeting life I have been gifted, the people and spaces I belong to deserve better.

I deserve better.

There is a wealth of love, compassion, and grace still vibrant and alive in the depths and core of who I am, calling eagerly from the places this world cannot sully, refusing to drown in a lifetime of unrequited love. I choose to recommit to those qualities, to move through this life open hearted, tender footed and with care. I choose to a sing a song of healing, for and from my soul, for and from the world, for and from the places within us all that can never be conquered by oppression or tamed.

May my eyes remember to seek beauty. May my heart root in the courage to stay open. May my mind settle gently so I may dance with hope and intention and zest for all the magic buzzing before me and all the magic that has yet to be savored. I meet myself in the vast landscape of my life and by my witnessing, lose the impossible demand of perfection. As I drink in all that I once was, all that I am and all I hope to become, I recommit to intention, bold messy steps forward, and the willingness to grow, surrender, and soften every fear or doubt that keeps me from drinking in the richness of each moment.

There's so much I long to experience, create, and be, but if I scrape myself empty trying to chase all of it at once, I will lose my heart in the waves of seeking before I arrive where I am meant to go. When the current of the world's expectations and my own tries to sweep me away, I must step back and remember - all is not lost. My life isn't over, even as everything is rearranged, even as I shed, even as other lives end.

And so my heart says:

Make room for the grief and the fear and the buzz of what you cannot control, process it and pour it out into music, poetry and art. Not for the sake of making money, but for the gift of tasting each bittersweet flavor of humanity and giving the sensations we all together share, a voice.

Change your perspective and the experience will soften.

Change your approach and your tenderness will bring you back home.

Even as the world crumbles, I choose who I wish to be.

Even as the world becomes unrecognizable, and my mind grows weary from bearing witness to it all,

I choose to hope.

I choose love.