Have you ever grieved someone who's still alive?

I recently had a falling out with my high school best friend of 15+ years. To be honest I already felt like I was grieving for someone I hadn’t quite lost yet. The days, weeks, months had gone by with no communication or check ins, I knew something was up. They eventually told me they think we are on different paths in life. I know people can outgrow each other; I understand that completely. I think it’s actually realistic to believe not everyone you went to school with or knew when you were younger is going to be in your life in your 20s, 30s and beyond. Though that thought doesn’t make the healing easier.

I think there comes a moment before the healing. You start to question your character, personality, morals, everything, and compare yourself to that person. All of your life choices against theirs. Maybe both of your upbringing’s too. Why did I go down this trajectory and they succeeded past me? Why can’t I control my feelings or behaviours like they can control everything in their life like it’s nothing? Why couldn’t we grow alongside each other? Am I not as deserving of a ‘stable’ life? Am I just too lazy to work on myself? If it wasn’t obvious, I’m still in that weird questioning and self-reflecting stage of grieving...

I don’t think they want me to question my personality and every little thing about myself but it’s kinda hard not to, right? I’m an Aquarius! I also believe it’s human nature to subconsciously delve inward after something reality breaking like this happens, even if you naturally avoid it – something that does make you question who you are as a person and where you’ve ended up. This is an unusual type of grief. Grandma didn’t go on an angry, targeted rant about how you were a horrible disappointment of a grandchild before she carked it. This grief comes with rejection, embarrassment, and an uneasy feeling. Someone you grew up with and shared so many memories and laughs with now can’t relate themselves to you anymore. You’ve changed. Your values and morals don’t align anymore. That voice inside - “You should have kept up, kiddo.”

As I said before, people outgrow other people. I am glad I outgrew the partying friends, the bully friends, the troubled friends. Your values obviously had aligned at some point but then things happen and things dwindle. You start to get a glimpse in-between the cracks. I do wonder about them from time to time. And worry. Am I starting to see some sort of connection now?

So, how do we heal but learn at the same time from this pain? I think the healing comes with being kind and gentle to yourself. I believe there’s a silver lining to everything, there was a lesson to be learnt with this friendship. Now, what is the lesson is to be learnt? Be okay with opening up and accepting your downfalls. That’s the hardest and most crucial part - awareness. Don’t cower away when it’s too confronting or hard to swallow.

Who knows, maybe the planets will align again and they will come back into your life in some capacity. Even if they don’t, still cherish those fond memories and moments growing up. They aren’t going anywhere, those are yours to keep. Looking back in the time I’ve taken me to write this, I am still healing and learning but I am so grateful and appreciative of this person and for being able to share part of my life with them.