How to Handle People Who Are Too Needy

Feeling overwhelmed by all the friends and family members coming to you with their problems/drama? Whether they send you an urgent email or call you constantly, these types won’t stop. Why? Because you are probably a good listener, and those are hard to find.

Still, these people are invading your time and sucking up your energy. So what do you do?

What to Say to People Who Approach You All the Time with Their Problems?

This article from the Newport Institute makes a great point. Find out what your friend really needs from you and then determine whether you are truly capable of helping them:

“If your friend starts a conversation by saying something like, “I hate my life!” ask them what they need from you: “Are you looking for advice or just someone to listen?” Knowing this helps you gauge what you’re capable of giving, based on how you’re feeling at that moment.”

The article goes on to recommend that you don’t take on your friend’s problems. Listening and empathizing is enough. Your friend’s problems are not your problems.

So how do you tell your good buddy that you can’t be his/her on-call therapist 24/7?

Set Boundaries

Instead of lighting into this person, saying you are done dropping everything to listen to their issues, I would limit your time with them.

If you are minding your own business enjoying your day, and all of a sudden, your friend calls saying he/she is going through some sort of crisis (which is common place for them,) and you need to listen RIGHT NOW; I would say something like, “I am right in the middle of something but I have five minutes.”

Then look at your phone, and when the five minutes Is up, say, “Gotta run. Good luck with that.” Or however you want to phrase it.

You are not diminishing your friend’s issue, but you are letting him know subtly that you have a life too and you can’t and won’t drop everything to listen every time you receive a frantic call.

If he says, “Can I call you later? I really need to talk some more about this.”

I would simply reply, “I am completely swamped.” And then hurry off the phone. You don’t have to go into any detail as to what you are swamped with. It doesn’t matter. Your time is your time.

If you stick with this routine every time he calls, this person will get the message not to bother you with every little thing…Only big things, problems that matter.

Could you lose a friendship over your handling of this friend’s “crises?” Yes, possibly. But honestly, do you need people in your life that constantly suck up your time and are never there for you?

Because I can almost guarantee they are not. About 10 years ago, I had a friend whose husband lost his job. She was in a complete panic. And for a month, I listened to her every single day. But when I was going though something a few months later, she all of a sudden “didn’t have time” to talk to me.

From then on, I was very careful who I listened to and for how long. And basically, I became a lot pickier when it came to friendships.

Remember, your time is valuable. And if you are a good listener (which not a lot of people are) everyone will come to you with all their issues. Fine if you want to be a sounding board for them. But you have a life too, and like I said, your time is valuable. So, I would be choosy as to who gets your attention and for how long.